


Buffy: The Spoofover

by OccidoPrimus



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-03-11
Updated: 1998-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:35:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29980218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OccidoPrimus/pseuds/OccidoPrimus
Summary: What if Buffy the Vampire Slayer were made into a Saturday morning cartoon in the 1980’s? What if the cartoon was so low-budget that they recycled drawings and scripts from other 1980’s and earlier cartoons? This is my version of that scenario.
Kudos: 1





	Buffy: The Spoofover

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally published on The Bronze posting board, a linear message board set up by The WB television network when Buffy the Vampire Slayer first aired. I think I wrote this back in 1997, but it might have been early 1998. I apologize for including references to cartoons that included cultural appropriation as well as gender and cultural stereotypes. The intended humor is referencing the cartoons from the era, not the cultural stereotype/appropriation itself. 
> 
> The following note appeared in the SlayerFanficArchive thanks to AnyaMcL who resurrected my story a few years after I originally published it on The Bronze:
> 
> Archivist's Note: Almost two years ago, a phenomenon struck the official Buffy Websites posting board, wherein longtime Posters began writing spoof fics to amuse the others. Each post carried on the story, although the posts could be spread apart by days or weeks. Occido, one of the earliest Buffy-fan posters, wrote this in those golden board days. It has been buried and dusty in a harddrive, but recently surfaced for light. There are more cartoon crossovers happening here, in subtle hilarious ways than you can shake a stick at. And if you want more Buffy board action, check out AKA Becker's works, or kirbyclause.

_Buffy, Willow and Xander pull up to the school in a beat-up, rusted old van belching smoke._

Cordelia : Nice transportation. Does it go under it's own power? or do you have to push it with your feet?

Xander : That Cordelia is a breath of vile air

Willow : (cough, cough)

Buffy : Unfortunately, so is the "Slayer Machine."

Xander : Well, it does need a tune-up...

Buffy : I've got to go see Giles, there's going to be an eclipse today.

Willow : The vampires might show up during the day.

Xander : Oh great, vampires at noon now.

Buffy : See you guys later.

_Later, Buffy and Willow are eating lunch outside, watching Xander on his skateboard. He's going down a hill when it starts to get dark, and Xander loses control._

Xander : Ahh!!! Willow!!! Stop this crazy thing!!!

_Zoom!!! Suddenly, Xander crashes into Angel and they both fall down._

Buffy : Angel!

Angel : I came to help out during the eclipse. Something's up.

_Suddenly, there's a scream. Everyone runs over to see what's going on. Some guy has Cordelia and is about to bite her neck. When he sees everyone, he runs away._

Buffy : Let's split up to find this vampire. Angel and I will go this way, Willow and Xander, you try the gym.

_Buffy and Angel run off._

Xander : Zoiks!!! Va-va-va-vampires! I'm not going in that dark gym!

Willow : What if I give you a Chocolate Hurricane?

Xander : Hunh-unh, not even for one Chocolate Hurricane.

Willow : What if I make it 2 Chocolate Hurricanes?

Xander : Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh. OK. 2 Chocolate Hurricanes. Mmm. Chocolatey goodness.

_In the gym_

Willow : Jinkies! Look at this. Someone left behind a tweed sport coat. It's a clue!

**Commercial Break.**

\--------------------------------------------------------

_In the library, we see Mr. Giles and Ms. Calender_

Giles : We have to find out what the vampires intend to do under the cover of this eclipse.

Calender : I tawt I taw a bampire! I did! I did tee a bampire!!!

Giles : What?

_Ms. Calender blows her nose_

Calender : Allergies, sorry. There's a vampire right over there!

_A vampire comes in from the shadows and hisses_

Giles : Stand behind me. Dread demon, leave here or face the consequences, for I know Kung Fu!

_Ms. Calender quietly picks up a bag of marbles_

Giles : You asked for it. Hong Kong Phooey Chop!

_Giles starts running towards the vampire, spinning with his arms and legs flailing gracefully, it's really quite spectacular, but his feet and fists are nowhere near the vampire. Meanwhile, Ms. Calender spills the marbles all over the floor in front of the vamp. The vampire takes a step toward Mr. Giles, slips, falls down and hits his head, knocking himself out cold._

Giles : (panting) See what years of dedication and training can accomplish, Ms. Calender? After several years, you'll be able to do this, too.

Calender : (smacking her palm to her forehead, rolling her eyes) That was just fantastic, Rupert. Shouldn't we tie him up before he comes around?

_Meanwhile, at the other end of the school..._

Buffy : Have you seen him yet?

Angel : No, but I could have sworn he ran this way.

_Suddenly, a scream!_

Angel : Here I come to save the day!

Buffy : There's no need to fear, The Slayer is here!

_Buffy and Angel burst into a room where 2 vampires are tormenting a hapless student. They make quick work of them, and tie them up_

Buffy : You'll be OK, Penny. We'll take care of these guys.

Angel : Let's get them back to the library so we can put them in the containment unit and banish them to the nether dimension.

**Commercial Break**

\--------------------------------------------------------

_Willow and Xander are standing in the dark gym. Suddenly, a vampire runs in chasing 2 students._

Xander : Eh, what's up vamp?

_The vampire stops to look at them and the students run off. The vamp starts chasing Xander and Willow, who run out of the gym and into a door in the hallway. The vampire opens the door, but Xander and Willow duck out of the door behind him and into the door next to him. He follows, only to begin the classic cartoon chase scene through four doors in a hallway. Xander ducks out of one room carrying something heavy while the vampire continues to chase Willow. Xander lifts the object (it's an anvil) over his head, waits for Willow to run out of a door and drops the anvil. It lands on the vampire, knocking him out cold._

Willow : Where did you get the anvil?

Xander : I made it in shop.

_Ed. note - It's just not a cartoon without an anvil._

_In the library, we see Giles pulling a lever on a machine with lots of blinking lights and dials. Everyone else is there, too. Xander is building a towering sandwich with roast beef, pickles, turkey, everything._

Giles : That's the last of them. They're in the Nether Dimension where they can't do anyone any harm.

Angel : How did you manage to build that containment unit, anyway?

Giles : Hey, hey, hey Angel, I'm smarter than the average Watcher.

_Xander turns around to rummage through the food, looking for pickles. Willow picks up his sandwich and starts munching._

Buffy : Willow helped.

Angel : Ah. Okay.

_Xander turns back to find that his sandwich is totally gone._

Xander : Hey!

Willow : Computer, I need this jacket analyzed.

_In a deep bass voice with a side-order of reverb, a computer with a bat-shaped screen says..._

Computer : The jacket is a tweed sports coat with elbow patches. It's of fairly low quality, much the same as a jacket from Mr. Giles’ wardrobe.

Giles : I resent that, dread machine.

Willow : Aha! I think I know what's going on. Computer, display a schematic of the gym and inventory our resources in the shop classroom. We're going to build a trap to catch our head vampire.

**Commercial break**

\--------------------------------------------------------

_Willow has designed a trap on the SlayerComputer and printed the plans. Everyone is gathering supplies and building the trap in the gym. We now see Angel in the gym tying some ropes together, when Principal Snyder walks in with the football coach and some members of the football team._

Snyder : I won't put up with vampires in the school. Principal Flutie may have believed in diversity and tolerance, but that's just the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten! Besides, the 118th Rule of Acquisition states that vampires suck up the profits by eliminating customers.

_Ed. Note - OK, it wasn't a cartoon, but it had to be done._

Coach : Yessir Mr. Snyder.

Snyder : Wait. You there, what are you doing?

_Angel turns around, and unfortunately has his game face on_

Snyder : You're a vampire!!! I will not have vampires in my school! Get rid of him!

_The football team grabs Angel and throws him out the door. Fortunately, the eclipse is still going on. (Ed. note - it's a cartoon, an eclipse can last for hours in a cartoon)_

Angel : No respect. No respect. Woo woo woo woo woo.

_Willow is gathering supplies in the art room, tape, glue, etc. A big Luke-sized vampire walks in and sees her._

Vampire : Ooh, a tasty morsel.

Willow : A vampire, a big one even. Time to exit stage left.

_Willow runs off with her supplies. The vampire follows her down the hall, she scoots around a corner, and as the vampire follows her we see Willow with a huge smile on her face and Buffy standing behind her, facing the other way, tying ropes onto a tarp._

Willow : (waves at the vampire, pantomimes tapping Buffy on the shoulder)

Vampire : (shakes his head, holds out his hands and makes "no, no, no" motions)

Willow : (nodding her head with a big smile on her face) Oh, Buffy.

Buffy : (turns around) Yes, Willow?

_The vampire runs off around the corner, Buffy chases him, we see a cloud of dust, some "ow, ow, ow" noises, then Buffy comes around the corner dragging a very unconscious vampire._

_Cut to the gym, everyone is there, even Angel._

Willow : Well, we have almost everything we need, except for the things from the shop class.

Xander : There are vampires all over that shop class. I'm not going there.

Buffy : Not even for a Chocolate Hurricane?

Xander : Well, maybe for a Chocolate Hurricane.

_Outside the shop classroom, our heroes arrive to find a group of vampires barricaded in the hallway. They start firing lasers at everyone._

Giles : (Turning over a table as a shield) Everyone, get down!

_The gang pull out their lasers and start returning fire. Oddly enough, no one is hit._

Buffy : Angel and I will rush them, everyone cover us.

Angel : Right beside you, Buffy.

_Angel and Buffy rush the barricade with blue and red laser beams flying everywhere. Still, no one is hit. They jump over the barricade and engage the vampires in a fist-fight. Willow, Xander, Giles and Ms. Calender join in the action. Quite a few roundhouse kicks and jabs later, our intrepid adventurers have won._

Giles : Well, we've won back the shop classroom, but there is still the head vampire to capture. Let's gather what we need and return to the gym, shall we?

**Commercial Break**

\--------------------------------------------------------

_There's an eclipse in Sunnydale, and vampires have been roaming the halls of the school. Buffy and the Slayerettes have captured all of the lesser vampires and humanely locked them away in the Nether Dimension via a Containment Unit built by Giles and Willow. However, the head vampire still roams free. With the help of the SlayerComputer, Willow has designed a trap for the head vampire. Buffy and the Slayerettes have just finished building it in the gym..._

Buffy : Well, that's it. Now all we need is something to lure the head vampire here.

Willow : Oh yeah, bait.

Xander : It has to be an ordinary student, but someone that with whom the head vampire is upset.

_Everyone looks at Xander._

Xander : What? Oh no, not me. I'm allergic to dying.

Willow : (producing a chocolate bar) How about if I give you a Chocolate Hurricane?

Buffy : (pulling out another chocolate bar) Two Chocolate Hurricanes?

Ms. Calender : (taking several chocolate bars from her purse) Four Chocolate Hurricanes?

_Xander has left to find the head vampire and lure him to the gym. Meanwhile, everyone else is hiding in their assigned places in the gym._

Buffy : Angel, we're supposed to be behind the bleachers here. Please, after you.

Angel : No, no, no. I insist, after you.

Buffy : No, after you.

Angel : I couldn't think of going first, after you.

Buffy : I don't mean to disagree, but please, after you.

Angel : Let's go together.

Buffy : Excellent idea. Simply brilliant. You are so intelligent.

Angel : Why thank you. Thank you very much.

Buffy : Oh, you're quite welcome.

_Xander is roaming the halls of Sunnydale high school._

Xander : Man, I love these bars. (munch, munch)

Cordelia : Xander, what's going on? Some strange guys are all over the school. One of them attacked me and tried to give me a hickey. Ewww.

_A big 'ole vampire comes around the corner and spots Xander and Cordelia._

Xander : Zoiks! Nyah, nyah! You big ugly vampire!

Vampire : Argh!

Xander : Cordelia, follow me. RUN!

Cordelia : AAAIIIGGHH!

_Xander and Cordelia tear off toward the gym with the vampire hot on their heels. They burst into the gym._

Willow : They're coming. Get ready.

Xander : Help!

Cordelia : AAAIIIGGHH!

Vampire : Argh!

Buffy : Now!

_A tarp falls from the rafters onto the vampire and, unfortunately, Cordelia. Angel leaps out and tackles the tarp. There is a struggle but he manages to free Cordelia and she runs straight up the wall and holds on to the basketball hoop. Buffy jumps out of hiding and ties up the vampire._

Giles : Now, let's see who this miscreant is.

_He exposes the vampire's head from the tarp and Buffy pulls off a vampire mask._

Willow : Mr. Whithers!

Buffy and Xander (in unison) : Who?!?

Willow : He's the substitute biology teacher who replaced Ms. French, after Dr. Gregory, you know, disappeared.

Buffy : You mean, we still have class?

Xander : I've been skipping.

Willow : I always wondered why the shades were always drawn in his classroom. Wait.

_Willow pulls off the "Mr. Whithers" mask, exposing..._

Everyone (in unison) : The Master!

Ms. Calender : But what are you doing here?

Giles : He was trying to scare everyone away from the school.

Willow : So he could get it closed down and buy his Hellmouth back.

Master : And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

(Ed. note - I know, I'm stretching things in cartoon world by using the term "Hellmouth," but I can't help it. Joss didn't give me much to work with here.)

_Cut to public service message featuring Nicholas Brendon._

Nick : I know you just saw me talk about skipping class on this week's episode of _Buffy : the Animated Series_. But, I want you to know that skipping class isn't cool. Knowledge is power, and stuff. To read makes our speaking English good. Stay in school. (aside) Who the &%*@# writes this *&%@# ?!? Why can't Joss Whedon work on these public service announcements?

_Commercials, then the obligatory appearance by a cast-member from the live-action show. This week, it's Sarah Michelle Gellar_

Sarah : You see me attacking vampires with stakes on this show and my regular series, _Buffy, the Vampire Slayer_. Well, not attacking them with stakes on this show, because of the complaints from parents, we got rid of that, here, but we do attack vampires. Anyway, vampires are dangerous. Stay away from them. Don't talk to strangers. After you eat, wait before you go swimming. Oh, and don't poke your friends with stakes. They hurt. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. (aside) Who is this Occido guy, and why couldn't my agent get me out of this? This is worse than that stupid Dubba Dance.


End file.
